“Mala!!!” He shouted.
I went running to the room leaving all kitchen work as it is.
“Yes, what happened?”
“You have not still washed my white shirt!! I had told you yesterday to wash
it. I needed it for my meeting today.”
“But the other white is there. And I didn’t get time yesterday to wash
clothes. Tina and Madhav had got projects to be submitted today.”
“Oh, please. Don’t start singing the same song again. You didn’t get time.
Those simple projects took the whole day? You have become lazy sitting at home
the whole day.”
“There is no use telling you anything. For you, I am always lazy.” I left
with tears in my eyes.
“Now again you will start your cry baby drama. You don’t do anything and I
can’t even say anything to you.” He shouted from the room.
I started preparing breakfast for everyone. It was a weekend. All get up
late but I never have a holiday. And still I am lazy. All have different
choices for lunch and dinner and I have to fulfill all their wishes and still I
am lazy. Only I have to take care of kid’s homework and other requirements, and
no one helps me, but I am the one who is lazy. He is going for a meeting on
Sunday and thinks I don’t understand anything why he requires that particular
white shirt with small blue floral print on every alternate Sunday since he
brought it. I also don’t know why he has to go on business trips so frequently
to Bangkok. I am the only fool here.
It’s been 8 years into our marriage and I am staying here quietly, just to
keep this family together. Dinesh has lost interest in me since the birth of
Tina. After her birth, he uses to tell me that my vagina is not lubricated
enough. I was worried that what has happened to my body. I went to a
gynaecologist who told me that there doesn’t seem to be any problem with you.
But if still he feels that way, then you use lubricants. I told him but he was
not interested to get that. My self-confidence started going down and I could
not sleep at nights. I started getting angry so soon at children and use to
shout a lot. But at the end, feel like slapping myself. Once when I went to a
hospital to get some regular vaccination for Tina, I decided to meet a
psychologist. I started crying there and told him everything. The doctor
insisted on calling my husband there, but I refused. So, finally he gave me
some medicines which included sleeping pills. It finally gave me sound sleep
but still I don’t feel inner peace. I don’t have any feelings and needs?? I
can’t expect love? Did I get married only to give birth to kids?
All these thoughts kept coming back to my mind, after every fight. I was totally frustrated with my life and use to cry whenever I was alone. My life could not be this meaningless. I couldn’t keep living on pills. I need to do something really meaningful, that I am capable of.
He went to his ‘meeting’ that day and after serving breakfast to everyone; I
took out my laptop and started searching for jobs. I filled forms for all
government jobs for which I was still eligible. It was not easy. I spent the
whole day on it.
From next day, I started preparing for the exams in between the time I got
during household chores. Sometimes, I had to get up early so I could study
before everyone gets up. I ordered preparation books online too. I slowly
stopped taking the sleeping pills as I was already too tired and use to sleep
quickly.
My husband use to laugh on me whenever he saw me studying.
“This is government job baby and not a joke. People prepare for years to
clear such exams and you think you can do it. Forget it and concentrate on
children.”
But I had decided. I didn’t know whether I will clear this administrative
exam, but I was enjoying the preparation. Atleast it was giving me
satisfaction. The exam day came and instead of wishing me luck and dropping me
at the exam centre, he told me in the morning that I should not be going for it
as it is wastage of time. So, I left alone. The exam went on well.
Today, the results are out and I have cleared the exam and have been called
for interview in Jaipur after a week. I have made suji ka halwa for
everyone even though I know no one is happy for me. But I was extremely happy.
I have come to buy new saree for my interview and have bought a new peacock
green silk saree with matching dangle earrings. I prepared my file of documents
at night and started preparing for the interview.
“Good morning Dinesh” I woke him up with the tray of morning tea and water.
“Good morning” he said as he got up from the bed and drank the glass of
water.
“Dinesh, I have to go for interview next week to Jaipur.” I said handing him
the cup of tea.
“So, what could I do?” I looked at him as he looked at his cup.
“You will not take me there?” I looked at the floor.
“I don’t have time for your stupidity. You are just mad, running after a
stupid job. Why do you even need a job? And if you are posted at some far off
place then who will take care of the kids. Can’t you even think of your
family?” He shouted.
I wanted to tell him why not he thinks of his family when he go for long
‘business’ trips? But I just remained quiet, pick up the tray and went to the
kitchen. Why can’t I ever reply back to him?
A day before, I went to my parent’s place with my children. My brother
dropped me at Dhaula Kuan and I boarded a late night sleeper bus for Jaipur. My
father was very happy for me, he always wanted me to be self-dependent. And I
was happy too.
“I just want to leave my bag and will pick up in the evening after my
interview. Hope it is ok?”
“Yes mam, sure. The rent is applicable till tomorrow morning, so you can
take it anytime you want before that”, said the receptionist.
I reached the interview spot. All the candidates had reached and waiting for
the interviews to get started. Most of them were carrying bags. I was just
looking around when I saw Mihir, my class-mate from college. He looks more
mature. I had never seen him in formals. His personality is more appealing now.
Mihir is 6 feets, with broad shoulders and a well-built body. He used to be
too thin during college days. But now he looks more handsome. We were good
friends during college. My marriage got fixed when I was in the third year and
lost touch with all my friends after that. All were busy making careers and I
was busy making a family, which was still not mine.
